Son and Dog: An accidental lesson in responsibility.

This summer we took a family vacation to Colorado without our 18 year old son. Yup, we left him at home. Why? Because he didn’t want to go. 

Now before you start judging me, declaring that you would make your son go, hold up and hold on.

The first thing you need to know is that we listen to our kids when they explain their feelings.  So when Cam said he didn't want to go and kept nagging about we decided to let him plead his case and kept an open mind.

He told us that we are his favorite people in the world,(apparently he almost tweeted about it so OMG!)  He said that it wasn’t about us, but it was about him just not enjoying Colorado in the summer.  We know this is true because last summer he sat in the condo almost the entire 4 days we were there and slept or sat on the deck moping. 

Again, don't judge me and tell me we should have made him suck it up and be happy. Just don't even..

So after careful consideration and some talks between my husband and I, we decided that just weren’t really up to that battle again and we knew we’d have a better time without him. So we left him at home. 

No supervision, nobody checking on him, just a list of things to do that grownups do around the house:

Daily: get the mail, do dishes as needed, feed, walk and play with the dog

As needed: Mow the lawn, mow the neighbors lawn (who was also out of town)

Wednesday take out the trash and recycling by 7:30 am

and a few other incidental items

Remember he was 18, so I was pretty sure he wasn’t going to do many of the things on the list and I didn’t plan on reminding him. I put the list on our chalkboard and left it to hm. I figured he would sleep, play video games, watch TV and hang out with his friends and girlfriend. 

Turns out that I was 100% wrong and that leaving him home was the best decision ever for us and for him.

Why?  Because he did everything on the list and was proud to report about it each time he completed a task.. He set reminders on his phone, put things in his calendar and went above and beyond walking and playing with the dog. But oh the dog…..

My first draft of this post detailed every account of this doggie nightmare, but for the sake of all, I will condense:


*Cam texted us that Dizzy was having diarrhea everywhere so I called him ready to explain how he was going to have to be the grown up and clean it up.
*Cam had already done all of that AND given Dizzy a bath where he had more poop issues. YUCK! At the time he was sitting with her trying to calm her.
*Our vet told us to give her immodium so he went to Walgreens, bought the drugs and gave them to her.....but he gave her too much! He gave her the adult dose. Oops.
*He spent the evening calling the late night vet and making decisions and admitted he wanted us to come home because this was hard.  I gave him a does of encouragement and how being a grown up means doing hard things.

*The next morning he took her to the vet, got all the prescriptions, picked them up and gave her the correct dose.

My first reaction? Who are you and what have you done with my son? 

My next reaction, thank you God for giving me the wisdom to realize that leaving him home was a good decision for our family.

I didn’t listen to opinions, I didn’t cave to “you’re not making him go?” 

We did what we knew was right for us and it paid off in a big way. 

If there were doubts about Cam being fine on his own in college next year, they were alleviated.

 It’s really simple; when we are home, he assumes we will do things. We are his default. When it’s all on him, he can do it on his own.

The three of us has a fantastic time in Colorado without Cam. Hailey calls it our “new family’. She is referring to what will be our new normal without Cam here every day. It’s a fun spin on a time that could be scary and sad! We get to watch our son go off and maneuver life on his own, with us as his coach, mentor and guide and we get to spend some time focusing on our daughter. 

Just like this week, he will make mistakes, but the prayer is that he accepts it and does what’s needed to make a correction.  

There is pride is responsibility. As parents we often have to step back to allow that to happen.

And I bet next year he goes on our family vacation.

Fly to the moon

And when you find your wings

I will celebrate with you

Watch you as you soar

Take the wishes that are yours

I know you can fly to the moon

You can do all things

I will celebrate with you

It`s hard to let you go

Still, you have to go,

I know

Michael W. Smith

The mom/friend

Today is my baby girl's sweet 16 and I think it's a great time to roll out this post that I've been working on for quite a while. 
Happy Birthday to my favorite young lady on the planet.
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I've been pondering how my daughter and I have gotten so close over the past couple of years. It was not something I expected at all, but certainly hoped for.

The first thing that comes to mind is that a core value of mine is relationships. My relationship with God,  my husband and my kids is tops. When I die, besides a messy closet and a bunch of junk, what will be left? Hopefully the legacy of the relationship built with my family that can be passed on for generations.

That doesn't mean that my kids get whatever they want or that they rule the roost; far from it. But there is certainly a culture of mutual respect in our house. That's a big thing! We listen to each other, we assume the best in each other and we say "I love you" multiple times a day. We have conversations. We hug. We pray for each other.  We give each other grace. Our love is unconditional.

I agree with the school of thought that says we should not be friends with our children and that we should be the parent first.  However, I also think it's possible to be a special kind of friend.

So I created the term "mom/friend".

Then and now.....

In our family, a mom/friend looks a little like this:

Your kids tell you almost everything, but probably save the really private stuff for a best friend their age.

Your kids come to you and say "I have a 'mom' question".

Your kids balk when you suggest a picture or selfie but it's fine when it's their idea.

Your kids enjoy hanging out with you and their boyfriend/girlfriend. Apparently "significant other' is one of those off limit mom terms I'm told not to say. Geesh kids...!

Your kids steal your phone and create a pre-set for " LOL" so that if you try to type it, it says "Mom you're too old to say that"

You get your feelings hurt when they are rude and expect them to notice and behave like anyone else; apologize or laugh and make it better. It's a two way street with feelings.

You don't hover over their every move but encourage them when they need it and offer advice when they ask for it.

The first thing you do after a game or performance is either:

a) say nothing and wait for them to speak
b) say something positive  and then ask how they think the game/performance went
c) ask what the coach had to say.
d) all of the above

You find their taste in clothes, cars, decor, music etc... interesting and a big part of who they are and not as a reflection of yourself.

They let you know when you've crossed the mom/friend zone into the friend zone. It sounds something like "mom...ugh, gosh stop!" or "um...no"

You have conversations, not arguments.  Not much discipline is required.

You allow them to make their own mistakes and are the first one there with a "Bummer, I'm so sorry that happened to you."

You don't yell (very often) , because you wouldn't yell at anyone else in your life, so why would you yell at those you love most? But if you do, it makes a huge impact, so......

You apologize when you screw up.

They apologize when they screw up.

You listen to their opinion and value them as an individual with their own thoughts.

I really hope my kids stick close to home for the rest of their lives because I sure do love them, like them, and enjoy being around them! And isn't that what being a friend is all about?

I don't know how it turned out this way, but I do know it has to do with the heart. The heart that God gives us to love our kids like He loves us.

They're my favorites!

What I never knew: Reflections on when my first born left for college.

The drop off drive to CoMo.

The first day of kindergarten was a big day. I felt prepared for that day because every mom I knew was talking about it over the summer. I dropped off Cam, my oldest, like a pro! I didn't take pictures, I just glanced in his room and thanked God (literally I think it was out loud) that he was sitting at his table working and not running around the room! I cheered as I walked out. I got a few odd glances but mostly moms couldn't see through their tears. It was a good transition into a new phase of my life.

But nobody could have possibly prepared me for the emotional ride of sending that same first born to college.

Nobody.

The only insider information I got was that there would be tears. I got a glimpse of the possibilities for this day when one brave woman told me she actually had to stop to throw up on the way home after dropping off her daughter. Bless that woman for being honest!

I'm not much of a crier, so let me tell you how completely off guard I was when, 45 minutes into our car ride home from Mizzou, I launched into the major ugly cry.....you know the one. I was trying to describe this cry to my friend and all I could think of was it was "like love pouring from my tear ducts."  Because you know, it wasn't a bad thing. It was what we had prepped for for 18 years! My husband was ready for this. I think he was relieved it had finally hit. I don't usually put off emotions. But this was different.

My patient hubby did his best impersonation of sympathy by patting me on the leg, and short of pulling off the road he listened and listened through all sorts of blubbering. He thought this crying had just hit me out of the blue, but no. Here's what happened:

I had posted the "drop off" picture on Facebook and ended my post with MIZ.... and Cam had replied (which he NEVER does) ....ZOU.

And it was sweet.

And I was happy and crying at the same time.

So many questions running through my mind.....

What if he didn't make friends?
What if he felt homesick?
What if he forgot to go to class?
What if he never joined a group or got invovled?
What if his classes were harder than he expected?
What if life at home is so weird?
What if What if What if......

So for two days I put on my best brave face for my students, which proved to be an excellent distraction. But this pain was physical. It hurt my heart and it hurt my stomach! But as with most things, time goes by and we adjust. I adjusted.

And then we went for a birthday visit and it started again! But this time it was one day, not two before I was feeling better.

And then he came home for the weekend. He was in his bed! He was where he belonged in my mind. But in his mind, Columbia was his home. And although I am so thankful for that, it was just another part of the process of letting go.

So here are the things I made note of in those first few weeks; the things I never knew:

I never knew how much it would  physically hurt the first 2 days you were gone 

I never knew that I would worry more about your social life than your classes.

I never knew how much I would miss asking you how your day was.

I never knew that I would think of you in the cereal aisle bc I don't have to buy Honey Nut Cheerios anymore. Or when I go to chick fil a and realize I don't need to call and ask what you want.

I never knew how much I would wonder if you were happy. Are you involved? Do you like school?

I never knew how hard  it would be to not text you a lot. I mean REALLY REALLY hard.

I never knew how much I just want to sit with you and talk……just with you.

I never knew how much I'd miss the noise of you playing drums in the basement, or playing your guitar as I fall asleep at night.

I never knew that when I'd get up in the middle of the night that I couldn't remember if you were home or not.

I never new this would be so very much like the grieving process…..over and over again.

I'm sure this list will grow with each visit. I hear it does get better as time goes on as we all develop a new normal.

I am eternally grateful to my God for providing me with the life experiences to know how to form a great relationship with my child. I am grateful that Cam is right where God wants him to be for today. I thank God for helping me to realize that all of these emotions are because I genuinely like my son and miss his daily presence. And I thank Him for reminding me that this is all a part of the growing up process; for Cam and for me!

I've learned that, like every of phase of my life, to embrace and honor these emotions. I will never feel them the same again.

God walks with us through all phases of our lives, including our child's life! And in that I take great comfort.

First weekend visit for a Tiger Football game.
I got to do the Missouri Waltz with him and he wasn't embarrassed.

For those of you with seniors this year awaiting this great time of independence, check out my post, The Real Parents Last Call List for Senior Year. Now that I have a college student, I can tell you that this list is a good one!

UPDATE....1 year later! I am happy to report that just like everyone said, I have developed my new normal! We all have and it's wonderful. So many things have changed and I can honesty say they are for the good of a young man growing up. 

To look back at my fears and realize that they MY fears. Cam figured out how he wanted to do college HIS way. And it's nothing like how his dad or I did it, and it's fine! Actually it's more than fine because it's his own. 

 I see how different our relationship will be than it will be with my daughter. Things that I saw as sad are really just his way of asserting his independence and becoming a man. Sure, I wish I knew everything that was going on in his life, but he has assured me that he keeps things private because it's just his personality; it's his way of saying, this is MY life and I need to do things my way. And although he almost always chooses the difficult path, he gets there.

So I would say to all of the moms and dads with kids leaving, go ahead and let those emotions and feelings consume you for a bit. Own it. Love it for what it is!

He still adores us!