What I never knew: Reflections on when my first born left for college.

The drop off drive to CoMo.

The first day of kindergarten was a big day. I felt prepared for that day because every mom I knew was talking about it over the summer. I dropped off Cam, my oldest, like a pro! I didn't take pictures, I just glanced in his room and thanked God (literally I think it was out loud) that he was sitting at his table working and not running around the room! I cheered as I walked out. I got a few odd glances but mostly moms couldn't see through their tears. It was a good transition into a new phase of my life.

But nobody could have possibly prepared me for the emotional ride of sending that same first born to college.

Nobody.

The only insider information I got was that there would be tears. I got a glimpse of the possibilities for this day when one brave woman told me she actually had to stop to throw up on the way home after dropping off her daughter. Bless that woman for being honest!

I'm not much of a crier, so let me tell you how completely off guard I was when, 45 minutes into our car ride home from Mizzou, I launched into the major ugly cry.....you know the one. I was trying to describe this cry to my friend and all I could think of was it was "like love pouring from my tear ducts."  Because you know, it wasn't a bad thing. It was what we had prepped for for 18 years! My husband was ready for this. I think he was relieved it had finally hit. I don't usually put off emotions. But this was different.

My patient hubby did his best impersonation of sympathy by patting me on the leg, and short of pulling off the road he listened and listened through all sorts of blubbering. He thought this crying had just hit me out of the blue, but no. Here's what happened:

I had posted the "drop off" picture on Facebook and ended my post with MIZ.... and Cam had replied (which he NEVER does) ....ZOU.

And it was sweet.

And I was happy and crying at the same time.

So many questions running through my mind.....

What if he didn't make friends?
What if he felt homesick?
What if he forgot to go to class?
What if he never joined a group or got invovled?
What if his classes were harder than he expected?
What if life at home is so weird?
What if What if What if......

So for two days I put on my best brave face for my students, which proved to be an excellent distraction. But this pain was physical. It hurt my heart and it hurt my stomach! But as with most things, time goes by and we adjust. I adjusted.

And then we went for a birthday visit and it started again! But this time it was one day, not two before I was feeling better.

And then he came home for the weekend. He was in his bed! He was where he belonged in my mind. But in his mind, Columbia was his home. And although I am so thankful for that, it was just another part of the process of letting go.

So here are the things I made note of in those first few weeks; the things I never knew:

I never knew how much it would  physically hurt the first 2 days you were gone 

I never knew that I would worry more about your social life than your classes.

I never knew how much I would miss asking you how your day was.

I never knew that I would think of you in the cereal aisle bc I don't have to buy Honey Nut Cheerios anymore. Or when I go to chick fil a and realize I don't need to call and ask what you want.

I never knew how much I would wonder if you were happy. Are you involved? Do you like school?

I never knew how hard  it would be to not text you a lot. I mean REALLY REALLY hard.

I never knew how much I just want to sit with you and talk……just with you.

I never knew how much I'd miss the noise of you playing drums in the basement, or playing your guitar as I fall asleep at night.

I never knew that when I'd get up in the middle of the night that I couldn't remember if you were home or not.

I never new this would be so very much like the grieving process…..over and over again.

I'm sure this list will grow with each visit. I hear it does get better as time goes on as we all develop a new normal.

I am eternally grateful to my God for providing me with the life experiences to know how to form a great relationship with my child. I am grateful that Cam is right where God wants him to be for today. I thank God for helping me to realize that all of these emotions are because I genuinely like my son and miss his daily presence. And I thank Him for reminding me that this is all a part of the growing up process; for Cam and for me!

I've learned that, like every of phase of my life, to embrace and honor these emotions. I will never feel them the same again.

God walks with us through all phases of our lives, including our child's life! And in that I take great comfort.

First weekend visit for a Tiger Football game.
I got to do the Missouri Waltz with him and he wasn't embarrassed.

For those of you with seniors this year awaiting this great time of independence, check out my post, The Real Parents Last Call List for Senior Year. Now that I have a college student, I can tell you that this list is a good one!

UPDATE....1 year later! I am happy to report that just like everyone said, I have developed my new normal! We all have and it's wonderful. So many things have changed and I can honesty say they are for the good of a young man growing up. 

To look back at my fears and realize that they MY fears. Cam figured out how he wanted to do college HIS way. And it's nothing like how his dad or I did it, and it's fine! Actually it's more than fine because it's his own. 

 I see how different our relationship will be than it will be with my daughter. Things that I saw as sad are really just his way of asserting his independence and becoming a man. Sure, I wish I knew everything that was going on in his life, but he has assured me that he keeps things private because it's just his personality; it's his way of saying, this is MY life and I need to do things my way. And although he almost always chooses the difficult path, he gets there.

So I would say to all of the moms and dads with kids leaving, go ahead and let those emotions and feelings consume you for a bit. Own it. Love it for what it is!

He still adores us!