Navigating the raising of a child is tough.
Do I even need to repeat that for emphasis?
If you don't think it's tough, you're doing it wrong. It’s the most important job we will ever have and one for which we receive no training.
One of the biggest transitions is when your child turns 18 and graduates from high school. Some will say the biggest transition is kindergarten. I think kindergarten is a MOM transition, not a kid transition. And it certainly wasn't a rough one for me.
I may have been THE only mom cheering wildly with a grin from ear to ear after dropping Cam at his classroom. Sure, I stayed and had a twinge of pride as I saw he actually sat down and starting working on what the teacher told him to instead of running around the room. But my real excitement was that I was ALONE! Freedom. And he would be home in a few hours anyway. I had my Hailey with me who was 2 at the time, but this was close enough to alone for me.
But high school graduation; it's different. It's about the kid. I've never been too big on the whole high school graduation thing. I mean I think it's important to graduate from high school, don't get me wrong. It's just that I think we often celebrate the past instead of looking to the future during this time. I decided to make Cam's graduation all about what lies ahead.
At graduation we celebrated the future and the idea of being ready to go it alone.....with a lot of love and guidance from us. Here I was thinking I wouldn't get all emotional at this time, but then I put that whole "what lies ahead" thing into the mix and well..... cue the tears.
This time has been a huge time of reflection for me. Did I do it well enough? The list of "what-ifs" was long.
Today I am sitting in the student center while my 18 year old son is in his advising appointment; alone. This is a big deal! Friends, this is monumental.
Some colleges in the University allow parents to be a part of these appointments, and some don’t. I appreciated that his college gave students and parents a choice.
Of course I would attend! I would really try to be quiet and not interject. Certainly I could do that right? Wait....maybe not.
So Cam decided that he should go alone. That's fine. No problem. He can do this. Sure he can. (Lot's of self -talk going on here).
So rather than throw him to the sharks alone we sat, he and I prepared questions and we made lists and yes, I was a big part of this list making. After about 20 minutes of this he was ready.
And then, bam! He says to me “Mom, maybe you should go with me. I mean, you know more than I do about this stuff.”
Wait, what? So given the choice, given the responsibility, he decided that maybe having me in the appointment would be a good idea; largest.....jaw-drop......ever!
But we talked more and I started doing things faster than him, not giving him a chance, and at that moment I stopped myself and said, “Dude, you need to do this alone. We both know that when I’m around you assume I will take charge. You need to be 100% present and in charge for this. This is YOUR advising appointment."
And let's face it, none of the choices he made that day were set in stone.
And from now on, he will be totally in charge of his academic path.
And he was prepared. He had questions written down.
I was 100% confident in him because he was ready.
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So as I'm sitting here writing this in the student union (alone), I’m hearing parts of a conversation that intrigue me. It sounds like an advising session. I look up and right across from me are 3 people. Two of them are interacting and one is sitting passively. Can you guess who is who?
I will never forget this picture. There's a mom with her reading glasses on leaning forward with her hand on her head tilted listening intently and looking at the computer of the other young woman. This woman is some kind of summer welcome advisor and the two women and discussing "his" schedule.
"He" is the student. The one sitting passively as his future is being discussed.
Here is some of the dialog:
Advisor: Okay so if he takes biology at 9:00 and then math at 10:00 he may not have enough time to get to the class.
Mom: True. Is there another section of that class? And I notice that he's in class from 9-1 without a break.
Advisor: Right.
Advisor turns to student who is sitting there passively not really paying attention and says " So I would pack some snacks".
Sorry, I have to interupt......Great suggestion lady. Really? You just told an 18 year old to pack some snacks. Okay, moms get a reprieve from this ridicuolous behavior; it's what makes us funny and laughable like when my roommate's mom asked her if she remembered deodorant. But an advisor?
And this continued for 15 minutes. Mom was taking notes. . I never once heard the student say a word and their body language said if all. His mom was in charge.
So my question is, whose advising appointment is this? And what is going to happen when mom drops her son off and he hasn't a clue as to what's going on? He’s dealing with choices that he did not make. Will he accept the responsibility for those choices if they aren’t his?
I know how this mom feels. She doesn't think her son can handle it. She wants his first semester to be easy for him, she wants to be in control. She wants to be sure that he’s successful. Her intentions are good I’m sure. But oh my goodness. Clearly she is doing more harm than good.
In my previous post that you can read HERE I shared what a retired professor shared about parents letting go as their child goes to college.
*Parents, if any of you still need to cut the umbilical cord there is a box outside with a pair of scissors. Park the helicopter in the garage.
*College is a process of change; of seeking out self-identity. Your child may come home with some strange ideas, concepts or even another human being! (“You brought home that?”)
*Give them care, love support, patience and understanding. Give them their independence.
We used senior year to get Cam ready for all of this independence. I would rather him make mistakes here at home first. I wrote a blog post at the begining of this year called The REAL parents last call list for senior year. It's a practical list to get kids ready. So much of what parents go through is that emotional aspect of letting go. Hopefully we don't want them to go because we like them! We have fun with them and enjoy seeing them daily. But leaving home is a necessary part of growing up and becoming independent. Help your kids by NOT helping them so much. Let their successes and failures be their own.
Whose life is it anyway?
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| At the Royals game with is girlfriend. I forgot the hot dogs for the tailgate but we had fun anyway! See, we all make mistakes...and I remembered them the next time. Shocking! |
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